we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
