i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
