Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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