okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
