i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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