Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think my cat just said my name.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize