I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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