Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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