I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
