My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's shark week go big or go home
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
