i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
