Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
