I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
