Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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