If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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