My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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