I accidentally burped into my bong.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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