Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
