My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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