You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
