the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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