She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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