What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
