That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
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I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
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making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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