plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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