My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
