dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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