Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
