Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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