im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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