Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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