quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
