i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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