something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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