I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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