shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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