my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
