tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
