Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
