Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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