There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
