4 words: hood of his car
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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