i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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