Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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