Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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