He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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