Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
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I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
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I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.