The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door