everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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