i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
