Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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