I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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