Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
