I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
