my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
