I accidentally had phone sex last night
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
