fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
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was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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