Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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