i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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