i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
