I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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