i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
