I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
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In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
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We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.