So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
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I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
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I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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